Parents of Adult Children

“He is a failure,” a deep sense of sadness was clear in the father’s voice. In childhood his son was so smart that his parents had high hopes for their only son. But life turned out to be different. Depression and inability to complete his education resulted in an unfortunate situation.

In childhood, parents can be like the mother eagle hovering over  children. And children seem to enjoy the quick fixes parents do to save them from trouble and mishap. Last minute help with projects or providing some excuse for being late to school, failing the exam, or covering up the child’s mistake also save parents from shame. But how long can a parent do this? Will parents always have the resources or energy to meet all the demands as parents and children grow older?

Of course, it is painful to witness unfulfilled dreams and unresolved hurts in children. When they’re young we hope that everything will be okay when they grow up. This is an optimistic outlook but can be an excuse for enabling the child to learn to deal with issues. When children reach adulthood, parents cannot adhere to such an optimistic outlook. Then they may feel helpless. Greater will be the sense of helplessness if adult children do not want parents to meddle in their situation.
Even though I pray that none of the readers face disheartening situation with adult children, what can parents of adult children do in such a situation? Are parents helpless just because they don’t have the resources and strength to help their children? Not at all. God answers the prayer of parents and will open doors that no one can close. So parents can continue to bring their requests to God on behalf of their children. Besides, parents can continue to model how to walk fixing their eyes on Jesus no matter what they face. Next, parents can stop acting as the savior for the adult children for every situation but can be of help in emergencies. This is especially true with providing all financial support for healthy adult children as this will further hinder children from obeying the biblical mandate to work to eat. Fourth is about parents being the remote control for the children. This will disable them from being self-directed adult. It doesn’t mean parents don’t provide any directions or wisdom. Parents continue to be all these for children no matter how old they grow. Fifthly, parents can avoid speaking disheartening words to children and to others about them. But say words that build children’s self worth and hope in Lord. It will remind them that no matter how long is the night, the sun will rise again. Besides, from childhood, walk closely with children so that when they fall or make mistakes you are available to teach them how to get up and do life with the lessons learned. Finally, you can live out the perspective that education is not just about scoring good marks and being on the top of the world but about learning to live together in harmony with others with total trust in God. In other words life is all about learning to love God and love your neighbours.

Published earlier in Kraistavaezhuthupura

Blessed with an Eternal Family

Time has come to say bye to my son again. The one week we spent together was a blessed time of renewal for our soul and spirit. It was indeed the answer to my daily prayer.

Tossing Thoughts

As I packed his breakfast my heart became heavy and my mind tossed between two thoughts: My son needs to be where God wants him to be;  how can I not see him for such a long time?

He Knows the Pain

Immediately another thought flashed into my mind. Jesus knows this pain. I was reminded of His mother Mary who stood outside the temple hoping to see her son. Later on Jesus was away from his home for almost three years. Being on the road means being away from the safety and security of His home and His loved ones. However, being on earth means away from the safety of heaven. Where will He sleep?  Where will He eat? Who will provide for him shelter and food? Neither His mother nor He knew the answers for these questions.

Family Away from Home

But definitely His heavenly Father knew the answers. Being away from heaven or from His earthly home never meant away from the presence of His Father. Besides, Jesus clearly knew that He had many mothers, sisters, and brothers away from His home who do the will of the Father just like He does.

Clarity for the Voice

I was just thinking about how I will miss my son quite ignoring how my son would feel being alone in another country.  I could not see how the thought “Jesus knows the pain” can bring comfort to a mother grieving over the imminent separation from her son.

But as I write this blog it became clear that Jesus wanted me to see the turmoil that may be in my son.  I am being filled with the assurance that God will surround him with many who do the will of God and they will be his family away from home.

Indeed an Eternal Family

As long as we are in the will of God, our heavenly Father will provide for us many mothers, sisters, and brothers. They will be our eternal family. So my prayer for my son, “O Lord, may he always stay in the will of his Father. “

Posted on Aug 22, 2015

Where a Mother Cannot Reach….

“I do not want lunch or you have to come with me to school.” That was the best solution to the predicament she faced on that day. I understood how my daughter felt. Mouth sores made it difficult for her to chew food.  As a mother I did not want her to skip lunch especially because she had exams in the morning and afternoon. On the previous day I had packed some bread and a cup of milk for her lunch. Her classmates thought it was funny for a third grader to eat bread dipped in milk for lunch. They responded by calling her “baby.”  So she decided that staying hungry is better than being referred to as a baby or her mother’s presence could protect her from being teased by her friends.

My heart ached as part of me wanted to be with my child but reality was that I could not be there at lunch time as I worked about 20 kms away from her school.  I reminisced about my own childhood.  As my mother had died during my mid-teen years, I knew the feeling of a child who longs for her mother.  But I know that mothers cannot always be with their children.

I held my daughter close to me and said, “Dear, I want to be there with you during lunch, but you know I cannot. However I know that Jesus is with you always even in times when I cannot be with you. He will be with you during lunch time.” I sensed peace on her face.

Years have passed after that incident.  Now she in college about 700 kms away from me. She came home for two days due to certain illness.  When the day of her return came, I guess I was in more pain than her. I wanted to be near her to care for her.  But my schedules again made it impossible to fulfill the desire. Later she voiced the same wish in between tears and cries. My heart cried yet I want to be strong for her. I was constantly troubled by the limitation I experienced.

Parents can agree with me that they have felt the same many times in life.  Regardless of the age of our children, we want to hold them in our arms to assure them of our love for them. But the truth is that the everlasting arms of God are always holding them and us to see us through every difficult time. The plan of God is always to build us and to bring a good future for us. Where a mother cannot reach, God is already there!

Women Who Cared for Their Child by Passing on Their Sincere Faith (II Tim 1:5-6, 14-15)

The grandmother Lois and the mother Eunice are mentioned in relation to their child Timothy. In Lystra Paul’s, the great missionary and Timothy’s paths crossed (Acts 16:1-2). Paul was greatly impressed by him. Brothers in Lystra and Iconium spoke well of him to Paul. He came to know that Timothy was a son of a Jewess who believed in Jesus and his father was a Greek. Timothy became Paul’s companion in his missionary journey. Thus began a strong bond between them. Paul saw in Timothy a faithful minister of God and entrusted many responsibilities to him.

Paul calls Timothy his “true child in the faith” (I Tim 1:2). He enjoyed Timothy’s company that Paul asked him to come to him (II Tim 4:9). Paul wrote two letters to Timothy to encourage him as a leader. His name is mentioned in 6 books of the New Testament.

How did Timothy, a half Greek, who lived in a Roman city become a Christian and later a prominent leader of the church? The answer is in II Tim 3:14-15 which shows the role of his mother and grandmother in his life. From his infancy he knew the Holy Scriptures. Who might have taught him? I believe it is his mother and grandmother. Thus they left a legacy- a legacy of “sincere faith” (II Tim 1:5). Sincere faith was his inheritance.

Even in an unfavorable environment, a devoted Jewish mother and grandmother built a strong foundation for Timothy’s faith by teaching him Scriptures from his infancy. They were not influential women, yet simple ordinary women. But their gift for the Kingdom of God was precious-A great man of God.

Timothy’s mother and grandmother gave him God, scriptures, and sincere faith. Some of us are mothers and grandmothers. What have we given to our children? What do you like to give them?

We may have properties, treasures, bank balance and many other good gifts for them. These are temporary. Yet these good things will aid in their well-being only if they fear the Lord and serve him. Giving all the good stuff without God will not enable them to enjoy the gifts. With God they can enjoy the blessings of God and these gifts. 

We really need to ask the question along with John Westerhoff, the Christian educator -Will the children in my home, my church have faith? Faith comes from hearing the Word and experiencing Christ in the faith community. How diligent are we in caring for our children by teaching the Word of God? We may be busy helping children to be knowledgeable with their school subjects but what about the Word of God? How diligent are we to take our children to prayer meetings so that they can be with the faith community? Many of us in India prefer special tuition to worship thus allowing children to skip Sunday worship.

Now think about children in our churches. Who will teach them Who will pass on the faith to them? Can we take time to pray and introduce them to the Scripture through Sunday school? Can we encourage them by a phone call when they are troubled? Can we let them know that we care for them when they are away for studies or job?

Lord, let me not be engrossed in many limiting life situations. Let me not overlook my role in God’s plan for children around us.

 

 

 

Blessing the Children Around Us: The Woman Who Blessed The Child by Witnessing about Him

This is the second blog in the series on women who blessed children around them. This woman mentioned in the Gospel according to Luke.

Anna is an unusual aged woman in the Bible. As a widow she might have faced m\nany years of loneliness in her life. Number of years she lived as a widow was much more than the total number of years she had lived with her husband and with her parents. It is not clear whether she had children. If she had children most probably she would have been living with them. Any how, she decided not to dwell in these sorrows and misfortunes. She turned her from a life of misfortune to the life of a prophetess.

They are waiting for you

Another factor is her decision to take up the journey to live in the temple. She traveled a long way from her tribal territory of Asher to come to Jerusalem. We do not know for how long she had been living in the temple without leaving that place. We read that she was a worshiper, a never ending worshiper of God. She worshiped day and night. She had a life of fasting and prayer. This shows she is a adherent worshiper of Yahweh.

Anna’s worship and devotion came to a climax as she saw the child of Joseph and Mary who is the fulfillment of all she believed and practiced. She blessed the child by her words and action. When she came to know in her spirit that Messiah had arrived in the temple, she came to him. She not only she came to him but also gathered all those who were waiting for the Messiah. She spoke about the child. She gave thanks to God for sending the Messiah. Thus she praised God and became a channel to lead others to praise. Knowing all the unusual qualities of this aged widow, I can guess that people noticed and listened to her words about the baby. She became the third woman to believe that Jesus is the messiah next to Mary and Elizabeth. Yet she became the first woman who publicly announced the truth that Jesus is the Messiah. And she did so in the temple.

What a source of blessing she became to Joseph and Mary and also for the child! Many had a questions regarding the father of this child. Neighbours of Mary and Joseph might have had a lot of unanswered questions before he was born and after he was born. Yet Anna brought joy to the life of this family by affirming that this boy is the Messiah. She indeed blessed the baby.

Can you imagine living a life of misfortune as Anna lived? How many of us are willing to lift up our eyes from our sorrow to God to wait upon Him in prayer? How can we turn our misfortunes to be a life of blessing to children who may not be accepted by others? There are many women among us who live in their past sorrow. Unlike many, Anna decided to enjoy her life by being a worshiper who sought the coming of the Messiah. Thus she not only saw the child but also blessed the child.

Jesus took children in his arms and blessed them whom his disciples thought were not worthy to be touched by Jesus. How many of us notice children as they walk through the doors of our churches? Or are we immersed in our own sorrows and joys? Or in our own private spirituality? How many of us recognize the need of affirmation in the life of the children we see? Or are we busy with our own credentials as a prophet or worshiper of God? Take time to bless a child.

Written Oct 18, 2013

Blessing the Children Around Us: Women Who Saved the Lives of Infants

For next couple of blogs I would like to look at a few women who have blessed the lives of children around them. Many of us might haven’t heard much about them. They are not in the limelight of many of our sermons. Yet what they did for children were so unique that their names are mentioned in the Bible. This blog is about two women who blessed many children by saving their lives.

Imagine living in a country where the king has decided to eradicate your race. With the help of his advisers he found that you are the key person to accomplish his plan. You were invited to his court. He shared his plan to recruit you to a cruel plan of killing innocent boy infants as soon as they are born, on the birth stool itself even, before the mother sees the baby. Your heart began to beat fast. The king did not expect your consent, once said it is a command.

I can imagine Shiphrah and Puah, (Exodus 1:15-21) the Hebrew midwives walking out of the court discussing what to do. They believed that they have an option which is to disobey the king and let the boys live. The simple reason was that they feared God. Their fearless acts saved the life of many boys who lived to see the deliverance of God during Exodus. These women indeed lived up to their names. Puah means “splendid” and Shiphrah means “brightness” in Hebrew. Together these splendid women brought brightness into the lives of the children and their families in the midst of danger. Thus they became part of God’s plan for the nation of Israel.

They are waiting for you

What did their actions say about them

• When the king decided to kill these innocent boys, these women decided to let them live.
• When the king’s deceleration meant death of the boys, these women’s decision was life.
• When the king decided to bring sorrow to the family, these women decided to be a channel of happiness.
• When the king expected these women to fear him, they chose to fear the king of kings, their God who is the giver and sustainer of life.
• The king expected them to be a curse to infant boys, but they decided to be a blessing.
• When the king wanted them to be part of his scheme to eradicate God’s people, they wanted to be part of God’s scheme to make the people numerous.
• These women rejected the kindness of the earthly king and became a vessel who received kindness from the eternal king. He established a family for them.

Wherever you are, whatever you do, God wants us to be a channel of blessing to children who are destined to die. They may be living in poverty with regards to money, education, love, security, and care. If you look around there are hundreds of girls and boys who suffer injustice from the hands of those who should be protecting them: parents, teachers, family, neighbors, and community. Many see them as nuisance and a burden. But you and me are the ones who are there to change the destiny of these children.
Let us step out of our comfort zone. God only expects our readiness. He will do the rest. Be like these fearless women who blessed many children who were not even their own.

Written Sep 21, 2013

Raising Resilient Children

Recently I came across stories of two children-one from North and other from South India. In the South, the only son of a doctors’ family was expected to be a doctor. When his class 12th result was published, he called his mother to let her know that he has failed for one of the subjects. In the north, the scientist father expected his son to be a scientist. The son heard a lot of discouraging words from his father because he got only 83% in Class 12. Both sons chose suicide as their solution.

My Child, You’re Safe Here

I have heard stories about parents who avoid talking to their children when they get less than 90% marks. What has gone wrong with such parents? Has our education helped us to really understand our children’s talents, gifts, and hopes? Or have we become more ambitious after all? Do we really know what causes pain, grief, shame, or discouragement in children? Or are we busy making them to fit into our unfulfilled dream or to make them like our heroine or hero?

Resilience is the ability to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions. Resilience develops when children perceive success and failure as part of life. Ups and downs have been part of life ever since life began. Even though this also has been repeatedly our story, we, parent,s tend to expect only success for our children. Rather we are to create a space in our homes where they can share their fears and hopes, success, and failures without a thought of rejection. Only then they will trust us with their feelings. The first step towards this is to be transparent and share our sorrows and happiness according to the maturity of children.

Parents think over-protection is the way to develop resilient children. We tend to protect our young ones so much so that there are no possibilities for them to fail. Later, during teenage years when their independence blooms they tend to move away from overprotecting parents. Then when disappointments meet them they may not find those around them good enough to get them out of the pit of sorrow. This is because they won’t see such parents as someone in whom they can confide in their feelings. It does not mean that parents should not be involved in their kids’ lives. Yet, we can enable them to solve their problems and to make decisions according to their age. This indeed build confidence in their ability to handle life issues.

Besides, when we, parents only glorify success, it communicates to children that they are valuable as long as they earn awards and trophies. This conveys conditional love which in turn creates fear of losing their relationships. This is not to say that they are not expected to excel in their talents. But as we encourage them to excel, let them also know and feel that they are valued just because they are our children. Let them see that home is always a safe place for losers and winners alike. Last but not the least, help them to taste and know that their almighty God will never leave them nor forsake them.

photo credit http://www.essentialparenting.com

Written July 11, 2013